What to do if your priest is accused of abuse
  1. Remain open-minded.
    The natural human instinct is to recoil from alleged horror, and to
    immediately assume that the allegations are false. But the overwhelming
    majority of abuse disclosures prove to be true.
    In every case, the proper and Christian response is to remain open-minded.
  2. Pray for all parties involved.
    Every person involved deserves and needs prayerful support.
  3. Let yourself feel whatever emotions arise.
    You may feel angry, betrayed, confused, hurt, worried and sad. These are all
    natural, "typical" responses to an allegation of sexual abuse. None of these
    feelings are inappropriate or "bad." Don't "kick yourself" for feeling any of
    these emotions.
  4. Remember that abuse, sadly, is quite common.
    It's far more widespread than any of us would like to believe. Experts
    estimate that 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 9 boys will be molested in their
    lifetimes.
  5. Don't try to "guess" or figure out who the accuser is.
    Abuse victims, like rape victims, need their privacy to recover from their
    trauma. Openly speculating about who is alleging abuse is essentially
    gossiping, and helps to create a hostile climate that will keep other victims
    (even those abused by non-clerical perpetrators) from coming forward.
  6. If you do know the victim(s), protect his/her confidentiality.
    There are many good reasons why abuse victims are unable to publicly come
    forward. Often, the person wants to keep his/her elderly parents or young
    children from suffering too. Don't compound the pain he/she is in by
    disclosing his/her identity to others.
  7. Understand that abuse victims often have "troubled" backgrounds (i.e. drug
    or alcohol problems, criminal backgrounds, etc.)
    Instead of undermining the credibility of accusers, these difficulties
    actually enhance their credibility. (When someone is physically hurt, there
    are almost always clear signs of harm; so too with sexual abuse. The harm is
    reflected largely in self-destructive behaviors. One might be skeptical of a
    person who claimed to have been run over by a truck but showed no bodily
    injury. Similarly, one might be skeptical of an alleged molestation victim
    who always acted like a "model citizen.")
  8. Don't allow the mere passage of time to discredit the accusers.
    Stress to your fellow parishioners that there are many good reasons why abuse
    victims disclose their victimization years after the crime. In most
    instances, victims come forward when they are emotionally able to do so, and
    feel capable of risking disbelief and rejection from precious loved ones,
    including family members, church leaders, other authorities, and fellow
    Catholics. Sometimes, they are psychologically able to do so only after their
    perpetrator has died, moved or been accused by someone else. Sometimes, they
    have been assured that their perpetrator would never be around kids again,
    but have learned that this isn't the case.
    (In other cases, it takes years before victims are able to understand and/or
    acknowledge to themselves that they have been sexually violated. This is a
    common defense mechanism.)
  9. Ask your family members and friends if they were victimized.
    Many times, abuse victims will continue to "keep the secret" unless
    specifically invited to disclose their victimization by someone they love and
    trust. Even raising this topic can be very uncomfortable. But it must be
    done. It may be very awkward and your family members may even act resentful
    at first. But soon they will remember that you really care about them, and
    will see your question as a sign of that care.
  10. Mention the accusation to former parishioners and parish staff now living
    elsewhere.
    They may have information that could prove the guilt or innocence of the
    priest facing allegations. This is especially important because sometimes
    abuse victims or their families move away after experiencing abuse.
  11. Contact the police or prosecutors.
    It's your duty as a citizen to call the proper civil authorities if you
    have any information (even if it's "second hand" or vague) that might help
    prove the guilt or innocence of the accused.
    It's your duty as a Christian to help seek justice and protect others
    from harm.
    Remember: abuse thrives in secrecy. Exposing a physical wound to fresh
    air, clean water and sunlight can be healing. Exposing sexual crimes is also
    ultimately healing.
    And remember that police and prosecutors are unbiased professionals with
    the skills and experience needed to ascertain whether an allegation is true
    or false.
  12. Don't allow other parishioners to make disparaging comments about those
    making the allegation.
    Remember, the sexual abuse of children has terribly damaging effects. As a
    Christian, you want to help prevent such victimization. And you want anyone
    who is in pain to get help as soon as possible.
    Critical comments about those who make allegations only discourage others who
    may have been hurt. Such remarks prevent those who need help from reaching
    out and getting it.
    Show your compassion for abuse victims. Tell your fellow parishioners that
    hurtful comments are inappropriate. Remind them that they can defend their
    priest without attacking his accuser.
  13. Educate yourself and your family about sexual abuse.
    There are many excellent books and resources on the subject. There
    are also good books specifically about molestation by clerics (Jason Berry's
    Lead Us Not Into Temptation, Frank Bruni & Elinor Burkett's Gospel of Shame,
    and the Boston Globe's Betrayal). Check out the web site for clergy abuse
    victims: SNAPnetwork.org
  14. Support the accused priest PRIVATELY.
    Calls, visits, letters, gifts, and prayers - all of these are appropriate
    ways to express your love and concern for the accused priest. Public displays
    of support, however, are not. They only intimidate others into keeping
    silent.
    In fact, it is terribly hurtful to victims to see parishioners openly
    rallying behind an accused priest. You may want to publicly defend a priest,
    collect funds for the priest's defense, and take similar steps. Please don't.
    Express your appreciation of the priest in a direct, quiet ways.
    Even if the priest is innocent, somewhere in the parish is a young girl being
    molested by a relative or a boy being abused by his coach or youth leader. If
    these children see adults they love and respect publicly rallying around
    accused perpetrators, they will be less likely to report their own
    victimization to their parents, the police, or other authorities. They will
    be scared into remaining silent, and their horrific pain will continue.
  15. Don't be blinded by the pain you can see.
    The trauma of the accused priest, and those who care about him, is
    obvious. You can usually see it in his face, his posture, and his actions.
    But please try to keep in mind the trauma of the accuser too. Because you
    rarely see his/her pain directly, it's important to try and imagine it. This
    helps you keep a balanced perspective.
  16. Try to put yourself in the shoes of the alleged victim.
    It's easy to identify with the priest. Most Catholics have met dozens of
    priests and know them as warm and wonderful individuals. On the other hand,
    few Catholics have met clergy abuse survivors.
    In the gospels, Jesus calls us to identify with the hurting, the vulnerable,
    and the innocent, the hurting. Try, as best you can, to imagine the shame,
    self-blame, confusion and fear that afflict men and women who have been
    victimized by trusted religious authority figures.
  17. Use this painful time as an opportunity to protect your own family.
    Talk with your children about "safe touch," the private parts of their
    bodies, who is allowed to touch those parts, what to do if someone else
    tries, and who to tell. Urge your sons and daughters to have similar
    conversations with your grandchildren.
  18. Turn your pain into helpful action.
    In times of stress and trauma, doing something constructive can be very
    beneficial. Volunteer your time or donate your funds to organizations that
    help abused kids or work to stop molestation.
  19. Keep in mind the fundamental choice you face.
    On the one hand, at stake are the FEELINGS of a grown up. On the other
    hand, at stake is the PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL, PSYCHOLOGICAL, SPIRITUAL AND
    SEXUAL SAFETY of potentially many children. If one has to err in either
    direction, the prudent and moral choice is to always err on the side of
    protecting those who can't protect themselves: children.
    Remember too that it's easier for an adult to repair his reputation than for
    a child (or many children) to repair his/her psyche and life.
    Another way to look at this: Being falsely accused of abuse is horrific. But
    actually being abused, then being attacked or disbelieved is far worse.
  20. Ask your pastor to bring in an outside expert or a therapist who can lead
    a balanced discussion about sexual abuse.
    Therapists understand and can answer the questions you and your fellow
    parishioners are facing, and help you deal with the emotional impact of this
    trauma too.
  21. Urge your bishop, pastor and other diocesan or parish employees to follow
    these guidelines too.

    For more information:
    SNAP
    Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests

    David Clohessy 314 645 5915, 314 566 9790 cell, SNAPclohessy@aol.com

    Barbara Dorris 314 862 7688, gymsoul@hotmail.com